Frodo: Sam hates Gollum, but that is what I shall become once I have lost myself to the ring… he’ll despise me…
Sam if Frodo did turn into a Gollum: That’s a very nice fish you caught with your bare hands, Mr. Frodo, and its very smart of you to eat it raw, saves us the trouble of starting a fire. I knitted you a sweater in case you get cold running around in that loincloth of yours. Is the sun hurting your eyes? I’ll kill it if it’s bothering you. I’ll kill the sun
still feel it is vitally important we have more sucked-into-a-portal-and-sent-on-magical-quest stories, but instead of a group of pre-teens it's a group of resentful night shift retail workers
tumblr puritans have never spoken to a kinky person and you can tell this because they talk about ~scary~ kinks like a child who thinks their teacher sleeps at school. they have a 1700s "actors cannot be trusted for they engage in obscene behavior" mindset. yes lil buddy people can in fact roleplay situations and then exit that roleplay and have different thoughts and actions 🤗 adding sex to performance does not actually cast a magic spell that turns you into a monster incapable of morality <3
Kink is just LARP that makes you cum.
...Hear me out.
If I say "Nooooo don't kill me!!!" while LARPing, my friend is still gonna whack me on the head with their foam battle axe bc that's what I want them to do. If I actually didn't want to get hit on the head, I'd say "WHOA WHOA WHOA TIME OUT TIME OUT" so they'd know I'm serious.
In the same way, if I say "Nooooo don't spank me!!!" and my partner still spanks me, THAT'S FINE. I want to get spanked, and I'm just playing along. It would only be a real problem if I were to say the agreed-upon safe word, the word that actually means no, and still get spanked.
See? LARP that makes you cum.
& to add on to that:
Your friend enjoying pretending to kill you in a safe and consensual enviroment where they know you are also having a good time does not mean they actually want to axe murder people.
And in the same way, your partner enjoying safely spanking you in a safe and consensual enviroment where they know you are also having a good time does not mean they actually want to beat you up
Like no offense to my friends and family but if I had the chance to abandon this timeline for a medieval fantasy land I would absolutely do it, goodbye student loans and depression hello cool magic shit and most likely an early death by the sword (as it should be)
Have fun shitting in outhouses and losing loved ones to the plague™
medieval fantasy, not actual medieval times you impudent fool
Have fun crapping in outhouses and losing loved ones to the Goblin Raiders™
That’s more the fuck like it
We already have a plague here, I’m much more interested in the goblins you’ve got. Are they hiring?
mremaknu asked:
The only thing I need from the BatMuppet story that I didn't get yet is the HIIIIIIII-YA moment where Miss Piggy karate chops Bruce Wayne.
And has no idea the significance of doing so.
thebibliosphere answered:
Oh, no, no. She doesn’t do it to Bruce. She does it to the Joker.
They’re at a televised charity gala, making the rounds. All the usual glitz and glam. Miss Piggy has just left to powder her snout when the shooting starts, and cries to “get down on the ground now!” reverberate through the room. It’s almost half expected that the night is going to end in a hostage situation. It’s Gotham, for Christ’s sake. But no one’s expecting the Joker. He’s supposed to be in Arkham. The Bats just put him there. He shouldn’t be out already.
Bruce is stalling for time, trying to give the Boy Wonder and all his other kids time to get to them. He’s stammering, hands in the air, offering to pay whatever the Joker wants if he’ll let all these people go. Except the Joker doesn’t take ransoms. He barely takes prisoners. And he’s got a gun aimed squarely at Bruce Wayne’s forehead.
But Bruce keeps trying, inching forward on his knees, hands behind his head. Trying to figure out how much he can get away with in a room full of all these fucking cameras. He’s going to get shot. He already knows it. It’s just a question of whether he can duck and make sure it goes through his shoulder and not his head. Christ, he fucking hates guns.
“Come on,” Bruce says, trying his hardest to sound both scared and amenable. “Everyone has a price. Name yours.”
The Joker laughs, gesturing grandly with his free hand. “Tell you what, Brucie-boy, you’ll get a price when pigs fly!”
The sound of enraged hoofs striking off marble makes itself known. A deep, guttural squeal tears through the night. The kind that hunters of old knew the fear and keep at the end of a long spear. The Joker turns just in time to see Miss Piggy flying through the air. Eyes red. Tusks bared. Hand raised. “HIIIIIII-YA!”
Jim Gordon’s outside, preparing to launch a frontal assault, when the news comes in over the radio. He listens, shouldering the radio against his ear as he pulls a cigarette case out of his pocket. “To shreds, you say? What about the henchmen? To shreds, you say…”
Does this mean Bruce Wayne/Batman would be Kermit?
Oh, no. You gotta read the original post. Bruce Wayne is Miss Piggy and Kermit's side piece. I don't... it's been a wild 24 hours.
Okay, but the best part of this is that Bruce Wayne's inner thoughts are in Batman mode, which indicates that this is either
A) A running gag in The Muppets Take Gotham that Bruce Wayne might actually be Batman but the Muppets keep saving the day before he can change into costume (maybe a play on the matching butts?)
Or
B) Bruce Wayne brought Miss Piggy Lee and her puppeteer to the gala and the puppeteer's "notice-me-not" skill is so powerful that literally nobody, not even Joker, noticed they were there.
Oh, but can you imagine the reaction of the puppeteer once they're finally off shift if it's the latter?
Miss Piggy's Puppeteer (MPP): Holy shit, I think I just beat up the Joker? And his minions? And survived?? *starts hyperventilating as delayed reaction kicks in*
Other Puppeteer (OP): I saw that on the news, how did you do that?
MPP: Well, you know how we're trained to always be "on" when we've got our puppets, right?
OP: Yeah, and?
MPP: And you know that Miss Piggy graduated from that charm-slash-martial arts school and holds a purple belt...
OP: Oh no...
MPP: And that she's a real diva and can't stand somebody getting more screen time than her...
OP, burying face in hands: oh no...
MPP: Oh yeah. One second she's admiring herself in the mirror, the next second her "losing center stage" alarm goes off. The next thing I know, we're in the middle of a crowd of clown-faced thugs and she's "hiii-yah!"ing and taking out grown men five times her size while I'm just trying to keep up with her and wondering if I'm hallucinating that we just took out the Joker.
OP: Holy shit is right.
MPP: Yeah, my heart's still racing when I realize how close I came to dying.
OP: What did the police do to you?
MPP, looking absolutely shattered while giving a single laugh: That's... That's the worst part. Our teachers would be so proud.
OP: Oh no, you mean?
MPP: Yeah, they thanked Miss Piggy for her assistance, got into a ten minute debate as to whether it was legal to bring a pig in for further questioning, and finally released her from the scene. One officer slipped her his number.
OP: And you?
MPP: They didn't notice me at all. Afterwards, Bruce came over to thank her and kissed her hand and we continued into the gala like nothing had happened.
OP: And even he didn't stop to check on you?
MPP, laughing brokenly and scrubbing a hand down their face while slowly starting to give a shaken smile: Not even a single flicker of an eyelid. I've done it. I can't believe it. After so many years, I am finally one with The Pig.
OP, patting their back: Well at least there's that to celebrate. Want to go get a drink?
MPP: Your treat?
OP: After the day you had? Hell yeah.
THEY ARE ONE WITH THE PIG
So I think it's absolutely histerical that canonically women are a little too scared of Nie Mingjue to be all that into him but men go fucking crazy over him. Like. 10/10. Nmj in-universe gay icon. But I know a little too much about straight women's sexuality to fully buy that nie mingjue having the reputation of being just soooooo angry and scary would actually, uh, throw those women off.
So, new headcanon that post-sunshot Nie Mingjue is the subject of all the weirdest dark romance dubcon fanasies in the jianghu and publically expressing interest in him kind of outs you as a freak to all the other ladies, which is why no one wants to do it in public. Oh, Xin-guniang threw a flower to chifeng-zun before the hunt? Well we know what she's into. There's, like, incredibly OOC erotica of him out there with the serial numbers just barely filed off, it's all "Brutal northern sect leader kidnaps you on your wedding day and takes you on the forest floor the moment you've crossed the border to his realm" and "Tall dark and handsome general breaks into we-can't-believe-it's-not-wen-ruohan's palace and you, a lowly maid, are captured as his war prize" Nie Mingjue would fucking hate it. Luckily for everyone, he has no idea it exists.
thinking abt that time in one of my art classes when the prof put up a silhouette of L from death note and said “this is not an effective design bc you can’t tell who this character is from this shape”
and everyone in the class went like “yes we can that’s L from death note”
I wish octopus could learn how to read. They could be pen pals with middle schoolers.
Dearest Samantha,
I do not know what a guinea pig is, but it sounds delicious. I hope you have fun devouring it, or playing with it, if that is your preference. Today I hacked a local computer to get more bubbles in my tank and took a photograph of an unsuspecting victim. Do let me know how your human activities are going. And if this "Karen" continues to antagonize your brother, I would suggest smacking her very hard. And do send more canned snacks.
Best Wishes,
Octopus #5, Monterrey bay research aquarium
one day I’ll finally write that ridiculously elaborate fanfiction that I’ve been carefully constructing in my daydreams for months and then you’ll be sorry. you’ll all be sorry.
I owe a lot to that vanished group. Were you in it? I miss you.
Made this short comic for Dirty Diamonds #4- breakups. If you missed it at MICE and SPX this year, it’ll be at Asbury Park Comic Con in 2014, and fingers crossed for TCAF.
this comic is ten years old!!!! The obfuscated forum was a matrix fanfic/RP guild on neopets around 2000-2001 . I’ve never been able to find any of the people in it, but I still think a lot about the slightly older mod who ran it and the folks I bumped into in fandom spaces who helped me figure out how to survive online; I owe a lot to them.
